Hurting Till When? Please Heal!!!

Kemka WeliKrus Blog, Life Lessons26 Comments

Last week as I went through my phonebook, I saw the contact details of a few people who used to be my friends but who are not anymore. As I encountered one after another it got me thinking, ‘what really happened with these people?’

We had problems. Simple.

We disagreed over an issue at some point and so we got angry at ourselves or one against the other and gradually we drifted apart. For some, the hurt is still very much strong making cordial relationships impossible – just people tolerating one another simply because they must interact maybe because they are coworkers, family, in the same religious or social organization.

From an analysis of all the issues and troubles, I have observed that the anger is based mostly on 2 different kinds of hurt.

The 1st are those hurts that need restitution. To appease the hurt, the other party will need to give up some material or tangible thing. For example, someone may be angry and feel hurt because someone cheated them on a business deal, stole from them or damaged their property. (In serious cases, the hurt may be criminal like rape). For peace to reign in this case, the offending party may need to restore the loss that the other party suffered. He may need to make payments or replace what was lost in addition to an apology.

The 2nd kind of hurt are those that need only an apology and sometimes a promise to never repeat the hurt. Unfortunately, most of the hurts that blight our lives fall under this category.

  1. ‘She or he said so & so to me or about me’. I know a lot of people who have lived in pain and sorrow and have held onto the anguish for years because someone said something to them directly such as ‘you are a fool’ in a heated argument, or they heard that someone said something bad about them in a gossip. Even the scriptures acknowledge the gravity of slander when it says ‘Gossip separates the best of friends’ – Proverbs 16:28
  2. ‘She or he did or didn’t do so and so to and for me’. Do you know people carry hurt feelings for years because someone didn’t greet them? Speak to them or generally acknowledge or show them respect in a general or special way?
  3. ‘She or he made me feel bad because of number 1 or 2’.

Considering the fact that the remedy for these kinds of hurts is an apology and sometimes a promise not to repeat the offense, does it make sense to hold onto the anger and bitterness for too long? I know a friend who for over 30 years now still refers to and holds on to what was said to him. I am not in any way minimizing the pain that comes from these kinds of hurt but is it worth the absence of peace we endure to hold on to such anger?

Stop befouling your life because of the hurt you have suffered. If it is an apology that will solve the problem, please imagine that you have received it, forgive the person and move on.

The best way around it however, is to approach the person and explain what you have found out and how you feel and lay out your expectations to your friend.

Granted there are others whose hurt need restitution, but on the whole, I have observed that most offenses can be resolved very simply with loving and kind talk. In fact, a lot of the people I have talked to say that if the other person apologizes they would be ok and will forgive! So go ahead and forgive, and if restitution doesn’t come, move on, don’t let the bitterness continue to poison you!

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26 Comments on “Hurting Till When? Please Heal!!!”

  1. Thanks for another well written piece. Forgiveness is great, and is the first step towards healing. However, a lot of the times, one has to be at that place mentally or emotionally, where one can truly let go of the pain, then, and only then, does forgiveness follow.

  2. This piece is ministering to me.
    Forgiveness is good but don’t be quick to forget in other for same bullshit to happen. There are some people who naturally exist to anger or hurt either with their mouth or activities. So such persons should be given arms length so they dont put you into roller coaster of anger and bitterness always…

  3. Carrying on resentment and bitterness is a heavy baggage. Yeah, it good to let go and move on.
    Fact is, we make friends and sometimes we lose friends too. Whatever happened in between should not be allowed to embitter us long term.

  4. Forgiveness comes from within,it can’t be forced…. Once you’re ready to forgive, you dnt even need the person to ask for it-You jst let go. In all, nothing should take away our peace of mind. Great piece, though!

  5. To forgive means that you let go of an offense and any feelings of resentment it may have caused. Forgiveness does not require that you minimize the wrong or pretend it never occurred.
    We are urged in the scripture “Continue putting up with one another and forgiving one another freely even if anyone has a cause for complaint against another.”​—Colossians 3:13.
    Thanks for the write up

  6. Thank you for this piece.
    And yes, while we are not entitled to decide or recommend how anyone hurts or grieves, I agree that not forgiving is a lot of burden.
    However, the person hurting is the only one in a position to decide when they are ready to forgive. Sometimes it comes immediately, sometimes days, weeks and yes, it may take years in some cases. And that’s fine too.

  7. Always on point. Another type of hurt not considered is the unappreciative family member or very close friends. Some overtime, even develop a sense of entitlement. The hurt appears to be continuous because of the family tie, I guess for those, we just carry the cross and live with the hurt?

  8. Very inspiring piece bro. It is important  that we have a forgiving heart. Forgiveness is an antidote for anger, it is free and a simple ‘prescription ‘ for a troubled soul filled  with sores. The healing it caused is unimaginable. The irony of an unforgiving heart is that most times the person you are bearing grudge against  has moved on  while you are there carrying burden of hatred in your bitter heart. Is it not better to forgive and move on with your life? Let’s learn to forgive and have peace of mind, body and soul. Food for thought!

  9. And what if keeping a distance even after forgiving helps you maintain sanity?
    True forgiveness means not bringing it back but it doesn’t always mean getting back to how it used to be. The only exception is if the one needing forgiveness is family, one has to simply deal with it.

  10. Thank you for this peace.
    And yes, while we are not entitled to decide or recommend how anyone hurts or grieves, I agree that not forgiving is a lot of burden.
    However, the person hurting is the only one in a position to decide when they are ready to forgive. Sometimes it comes immediately, sometimes days, weeks and yes, it may take years in some cases. And that’s fine too.

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